| Stage | Epiphanies | Symptoms |
| 1: Sinclair Basic | “It can do anything if you just throw enough code at it” “One day I won’t need to remember that ‘GOSUB’ is on the ‘H’ key” | * Pinball programming * Spaghetti code |
| 2: Pascal | “User defined functions mean I can re-design the whole language” “Holy shit, I can actually compile to an .exe?” | * Programming yourself into a corner * Cut ‘n Paste programming * The “Utility” library |
| 3: OOP | “I’ll model the whole universe, beginning with hydrogen, and then I’ll write the program” | * Rube Goldberg contraptions * “Car” inherits from “Parking Lot” * Keep putting new functions in the base class |
| 4: Perl | “My programs will be better if I can squeeze more into each line” “Oh cool, a CPAN library that does X, that’s one more feature I must add this afternoon” | * Concise Rube Goldberg contraptions * Debugging with print statements * Aggregate data structures stop at “Hashtable” * “Hey, since when did my program become an operating system?” |
| 5: Design Patterns | “Program.cs is just a compiled config file” | * Abstractions to nowhere * Patterns for Patterns sake |
| 6: Functional Programming | “You should write programs by saying what you want, not how to get it” “All programs just transform input, even the interactive ones” | * LINQ as a new kind of obfuscation |
| 7: Metaprogramming | “Program.cs just loads the XML config file, which is where I defined all the behavior” “Programs should know what they are” “The architecture plan should be executable” | * Gigantic memory footprints * Data types are forgotten in favor of XML elements |
| 8: Statistically driven programming | “Now that I’ve defined the expected function, I can use it to generate unit tests that guide a genetic algorithm to create the ideal implementation” “Bugs should heal themselves” | |
| 9: Maturity | “If we don’t really need it, I don’t have to write any code” “Users should be given tools and training, not a pushbutton/turnkey sealed-n-seamless ‘solution’” “If these kids were to get off my lawn, I wouldn’t have to keep fixing it” | |
| 10: Senescence | “Hey kids! Get the fuck off my lawn!” |